Growing up I always loved Adam Sandler movies. I know, I know… I’m a sucker. I had an immense pride in my VHS collection of Sandler titles. I had them all. We’ll go through the main ones until I get to what I really wanted to tell you about:
I bought a VHS copy of this at Wal-Mart to complete my Sandler collection. Not only is it one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, it wasn’t even remotely funny.
This was the movie that popped my Adam Sandler love cherry. As stupid as this movie is, it’s still one of my favorite films of all time. It’s just dumb quotable fun.
This was more of the same antics displayed in Billy Madison. Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison defined Adam Sandler at the time. I think we can all see how he acknowledges these films as giving birth to his somewhat dull career as Hollywood’s front running funny man by how he named his production company “Happy Madison.”
This R rated movie left my jaw open. I was so used to the PG-13 Sandler movies. To see Adam Sandler and Damon Wayans say F word after F word was a blissful shock.
The plot of the movie is actually a somewhat clever spin on the “buddy cop” movie. It involves undercover cop Rock Keats (Wayans) and his ex-friend Archie Moses (Sandler). Moses is a drug dealing car thief and Keats befriends him to get closer to the big boss, Frank Colton (James Caan). The two have to put their differences (one being that Moses shot Keats in the head) behind them and work together to bring down Colton. So yea, it’s every “buddy cop” film you’ve ever seen, but with a twist. I was 12 when I snagged this movie. 12.
Hop into your favorite time machine and fast forward 4 years…
I was 16 and one night I was bored. Instead of playing my freshly bought Sega Dreamcast, I decided to break out my VCR. I popped in the movie Bulletproof. It had been a while since I last watched the movie. I was able to pick up on a few jokes my 12 year old self just couldn’t grasp. So it was slightly more enjoyable, but was still just a horrible movie.
The next night, after playing countless hours of Soul Calibur and Crazy Taxi on my Dreamcast, I decided to watch another one of my old VHS movies. After hitting eject on my VCR nothing happened. The power was on, and I could play, pause, stop, rewind, and fast forward. The only thing I couldn’t do was eject Bulletproof. It was late and there was only one thing left I could do. I watched Bulletproof.
It was just as shitty as the previous night I watched it, but I laid in bed and soaked up 100% of the VHS that night. I went to sleep to the sound of my now defunct VCR rewinding the movie I had watched two nights in a row.
The next day I found myself replaying images and scenes from the movie. One of my favorite scenes was the “Disneyland” scene:
Yeah, comedy gold… right? Anyways, for the next few nights I’d watch Bulletproof sort of as a joke. After about 5 nights though it was no joke. I had to watch Bulletproof. It was my glass of warm milk before bed. It was my getting “tucked in”. I was obsessed with making sure I played that stupid movie every night. The VCR’s eject button broke for a reason. That reason? To drive me insane. I swear sometimes instead of the LCD reading “PLAY” it read “HAHA”.
The obsession grew to become part of my daily routine. Play video games, think about maybe doing homework, brush teeth, and watch Bulletproof. Never while making the film did they ever imagine it would be watched by someone 431 consecutive days. That’s right… I kept count.
I watched this stupid movie so much, the tape rattled while it was playing. I had been consuming the same story for 431 days and it didn’t phase me at all. Now, I know you’re probably asking yourself why is the title of this article “730 Days of Bulletproof” and not “431 Days of Bulletproof”? I’m getting there, chill.
On the 432nd night I stayed over at a friend’s house. I didn’t realize why I couldn’t sleep until I had been laying there for a good 2-3 hours. I had yet to watch Bulletproof. The streak was over and I was pissed. I didn’t get much sleep that night. The next day I knew exactly what I had to do. After leaving my buddy’s place I swung by Wal-Mart. I picked up a copy of Bulletproof on DVD. Not even opening the DVD I threw it in the front of my suitcase.
I was an addict. When I was home I was watching my horrible VHS copy of the movie, and when I was away I’d take my DVD copy. The nights away usually went like this:
Caleb:Hey, you seen that Adam Sandler movie Bulletproof yet?
Caleb: Cool, I brought it. It’s freaking awesome!
This scenario always worked unless I stayed with a friend who had seen it the last time I was over there. Shit was real. I needed an intervention.
I decided things were getting out of control. I should have decided that on day 2 but I digress. I knew I had to end this madness the way any OCD person would. Since I was already well into the year and a half mark, I knew I had to finish the year. Two years. Two years watching the same story every night. Two years watching Adam Sandler accidentally shoot Damon Wayans in the head, only to see him fully recover like nothing happened. Two full years.
On the 730th night I invited a bunch of friends over and we all watched it and grilled out. It was a lot of fun. Most of them knew my story, and most of them had been force fed a viewing a time or two already. They were just glad the madness was over. For shits and giggles after the movie was over and rewound I decided to push “Eject”.
What was a lovely evening, turned into me being pissed. It ejected.
The next night I used my once broken VCR to watch the movie Dirty Work. After watching it, I pressed “Eject” and nothing happened. That’s when I knew what had to be done…