Carrie

Spoiler Alert: Carrie

Director Brian De Palma made sure he was going to get the male audience attention from the start. Young women playing volleyball, then going to the locker room where the full-frontal nudity and showers happen in slow motion.

Of course, the part that makes you realize you’re watching Carrie and not Debbie Does Dallas is when Carrie gets her monthly visitor in the shower room.

So Carrie gets a visit from “Aunt Flo” and starts freaking out, running to the other girls with bloody hands screaming “Help me!” Well, the girls start laughing and throwing tampons and pads at her as she cowers in the shower corner screaming until coach lady comes to save the day.

Now you’re thinking, “Is this the first time? Do you not know what’s going on? Handle your damn business, woman.” But a few minutes later, you find out that yes, it’s her first time, and that her mom is the craziest of crazy when it comes to Christianity. In fact, you don’t see her church, but I would be surprised if they were not handing rattlesnakes to each other. So mom is calling her a sinner because of something that comes naturally and making her go into a prayer closet and pray until her mom thinks it’s OK for her to come out.

In her prayer closet is a Bible, a candle and a Jesus figurine that has arrows stuck in his torso. Arrows. Not a single spear to the side. Arrows. Like Jesus got attacked by a rogue Robin Hood or something. Oh, and I’m just assuming it was Jesus. It could have very well been a figurine of Frank Zappa.

Anyway, along with a crazy ass mom, Carrie’s also got telekinetic abilities. She can move things with her mind.

So anyway, coach lady is actually pretty sympathetic to Carrie. Because of what the girls did to Carrie in the locker room, coach tells all the other girls that she wanted them to be suspended for a week and not be able to attend the prom, but the higher ups were like, “Nah, that’s too harsh,” so they’ve all got a week of after-school detention where coach lady is going to make them do calisthenics for an hour. And if they don’t show up for that, then they get suspended and can’t attend the prom.

Well this one girl is like, “I’m not doing that shit.” She suffers from a condition called “bitch-face.” And coach lady slaps said bitch-face. In the face. (She deserved it.) But bitch-face hates Carrie, so she gets some other friends and her boyfriend John Travolta in his “Yo, Welcome back, Mista’ Kotta” days to go get pig’s blood to dump on her at the prom.

Now, they actually go to some trouble to get this pig’s blood. They bring a ladder and what looks to be a large gas can. They break into a place, and ol’ Saturday Night Fever himself takes a sledgehammer to a pig, then they fill the gas can with pig’s blood. It seems that so many alternatives could have been had much more easily – fake blood, grape soda, milk. But no, they gotta go pig killin’.

In the meantime, a female student gets a popular boy to ask Carrie to the prom. She says “no.” She thinks something’s up. Dude won’t take “no” for an answer, and she agrees to go, knowing that crazy ass momma won’t be happy.

So after folks have decorated for the prom, bitch-face and Grease-boy rig a bucket of pig’s blood atop where the prom king and queen will be photographed, along with some rope going under the platform.

Crazy mom pleads for Carrie to skip the prom. “They’ll laugh at you!” she says. But Carrie uses her angry mind powers to knock crazy mom to the bed. Twice. She goes to the prom. She dances. She’s having fun. She’s wearing makeup. She done got her hair did. And then she and her date get voted (through some ballot trickery) prom king and queen.

She’s up there all glowing and smiling. The girl from earlier who asked the dude to ask Carrie out saw the rope and bucket and tried to stop what was about to happen, but coach lady pulled her away thinking that she was up to no good.

So bitch-face and Grease-boy pull the rope, dumping blood all over Carrie. Everybody is laughing it up. The co-conspirators start to leave, but Carrie uses her magic mind powers to shut the doors, trapping them inside. (Bitch-face and Grease-boy already got out.) She then uses her mind to start spraying people down with the emergency fire hose, make some shit fall that kills coach lady and leaves while the whole gym goes up in flames.

The lesson: Don’t mess with folks that have telekinetic powers.

So Carrie’s all covered in blood and walking down the road when bitch-face and Grease-boy decide they’re going to run her down in the street. Bad move, y’all. Carrie’s magic powers make the car flip and catch on fire. Extra crispy!

Carrie walks home, and her crazy ass mom has candles lit everywhere and is hiding behind the door while Carrie takes a bath to clean herself up. She comes out, asks mom to hold her. It’s a tender moment until ol’ mommy dearest stabs her in the back. Literally. The woman picks up a knife and stabs her daughter in the back. Crazy.

Carrie is wounded and crawling away while crazy mom is walking toward her with raised knife. Carrie is at the door of the creepy prayer closet, but can’t open the door. I mean, she can use her mind to set building ablaze and flip cars, but turning a door handle is just too damn much right now. But as crazy mom raises the knife, she remembers that she can do cool stuff and uses those powers to make other knives fly across the room, stabbing her hands into the wall first, then hitting her in the torso numerous times.

Soon after that, the house begins to collapse because why not? The house collapses, catches fire and sinks into the ground.

So the girl that tried to stop the prom event from happening is in bed having trouble mentally processing all that just happened. She dreams (or does she? hmm…) that she’s taking flowers to the place where the house magically sank into the ground. As she kneels in front of a “For Sale” cross (with scribblings about Carrie being in hell), a bloody hand reaches up and grabs her arm. She’s freaking out, but she’s actually being held by her mother and not the corpse of Carrie.

Then it ends. But the real lesson, again: Don’t mess with folks that have telekinetic powers.