children-of-the-corn-original

Spoiler Alert: Children of the Corn

Gatlin, Nebraska – On a Sunday, townspeople in Gatlin left church and went to the local diner for lunch. A young Carrot Top is playing pinball while a child in a bow tie sits at the counter with a milkshake. The boy in the bow tie is ignorant of what straws are for. I can’t be sure, but the bow tie makes me think that the boy may have grown up to be Tucker Carlson.

So a creepy ass kid in Amish-looking attire walks up to the diner window and nods his head. Carrot Top, without his trunk of comedy props, nods in agreement. Other teens walk into the shop, lock the door, and they all proceed to kill anyone over the age of 19. The killing continues all over town. At this point, there are no doctors, lawyers, professional chefs, postal service employees or people with any kind of sense or logical thinking skills left.

So creepy ass kid, Isaac, is a cult leader and Carrot Top is his right hand man. They worship something that lives in the cornfield. You never really see whatever the hell it is, but it runs underground like something from ‘Tremors.’

So while Terminators were getting ready to go to this same exact year to kill Sarah Connor, she’s out driving around Nebraska with her man. They run over a boy who’s in the middle of the road, but it’s not their fault he’s dead. He got knifed in the cornfield while trying to escape, then put in the road – standing up somehow – and then got hit by a car.

Of course, all adults that come through town get sacrificed in hopes of an abundant corn harvest because it is a cult after all. And these kids, while stupid, are creative – they make crosses out of corn stalks and tie people to them Jesus-style.

So later on, Terminator mom is tied to one, but Carrot Top gets her down so he can lure out her man and sacrifice both of them. Isaac just isn’t having it, but Carrot Top stages a mutiny and they put ol’ Isaac up on a cornstalk cross all crucifixion style while they go into town. They have to do all this before night time, for some reason. I assume that because they’re kids, they’re still afraid of the dark.

Anyway, a couple of kids who have some sense in their head help adult male #1 (oh yeah… “Burt”) hideout while nursing his stab wound. (A stab wound from a knife that had a corn handle.) He got stabbed after he interrupted a church ritual where some kid was at his 19th birthday and was going to sacrifice himself or some such cultish nonsense.

So the kids tell Burt that Terminator mom is in the cornfield. They go to the top of a barn where they can see everything. Burt goes out in the field to rescue Terminator mom. Isaac is on his cornstalk cross. “He Who Walks Behind the Rows” (a.k.a. the ‘Tremor’) ends up getting Isaac in a way that looks like he’s consumed by a solarized Photoshop plugin.

Burt fights Carrot Top, gets away, goes back to the barn to meet up with the smart kids and Terminator mom while a storm is coming. Tremor creature is pissed. Pissed, I tell you! So Burt uses the irrigation system, some gasoline (or petrol for the British readers) and a molotov cocktail to set the cornfield ablaze. And while the fire is going, some animated red fire comes up from the ground behind the real fire. I guess that’s fire from hell or something. Oh yeah, and Isaac comes back from his solarized nightmare death and takes his anger out on Carrot Top.

But yeah, there’s fire and storms and right before the four people with any sense in their heads can leave, crazy church-stabby-girl pops out of the back seat of the car (that’s covered in dried corn stalks) to try one last stab attempt before getting a well-deserved car door to the well-deserved face. Then the words “The End” appear on screen. So as a tribute, I’ll use that same method for this post: The End.